How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Saying no is not selfish. It is sustainable. Here is how to release the guilt and reclaim your peace.

Aug 26, 2025

Why does saying no feel so heavy? Even when our energy is gone and our body is begging for rest, guilt creeps in. We worry that we will disappoint, push someone away, or be seen as selfish.

But the uncomfortable truth is: boundaries are not walls. They are doors. They decide what comes in and what stays out.

Why Guilt Shows Up

Psychologists say guilt is a social emotion. It is wired into us to help maintain relationships. But when guilt is rooted in old conditioning, it stops being useful. Many of us were taught that being “good” meant being available, agreeable, and accommodating.

Research note: Dr. Brene Brown reminds us that guilt can be helpful when it signals we have gone against our values. But misplaced guilt often shows up when we have simply gone against someone else’s expectations. That is where boundaries matter most.

My Nemesis… The Phone
One of my hardest boundaries has been with my phone. In this instant-access world, I trained myself like Pavlov’s dog. The second a message came in, my body reacted with panic. I have literally hurt myself diving for my phone because I was convinced if I did not answer right away, they would think I was ignoring them… or worse, that they would hate me.

That was not connection. It was compulsion.

These days, I practice a pause. I keep my phone sounds off, and I remind myself: I am only one person. I can do what I can do, as fast as I can do it.

It is okay to not have the capacity to answer immediately. Real connection can wait until I breathe.

Boundaries Are Not Rejection

Saying ‘no’ does not mean you do not care. In fact, boundaries protect relationships because they keep you from showing up resentful, depleted, or dishonest.

Research note: Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, says: “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having them.”

I feel that deeply and it has had me reevaluating my relationships all over the place because of it.

Another Nemesis for me… Saying No to Plans
I used to say ‘yes’ even when I knew I did not have the energy. The guilt of letting people down felt heavier than my exhaustion, so I would drag myself out anyway.

And every time, I paid for it. Sometimes it took me days to recover from what could have been prevented if I had just said no and rested.

I have had to learn that I do not owe anyone my time or energy. My worth is not measured in how many plans I keep or how quickly I say yes. Sometimes the kindest thing I can do is honor my limits, because the version of me who shows up depleted is not the version anyone actually wants.

Reframing Guilt Into Care

When guilt rises, it does not mean you have done something wrong. Often, it means you are rewriting an old script. You are teaching your body and mind that self-care does not equal abandonment.

Research note: Studies in health psychology show that unrelenting people-pleasing leads to chronic stress, higher rates of anxiety, and even physical illness. Protecting your energy is not selfish. It is sustainable.

Everyone’s Favorite…. The Holidays
Holidays used to feel like a minefield for me. The pressure to be everywhere, to show up at every big event, to keep up with every tradition, go and do all the things…. it was exhausting. I said yes for years, even when my body was begging for rest, because the guilt of saying no felt unbearable.

Over time, I have learned to say, No, thank you. These days, I enjoy a quieter holiday at my own house, without the stress of running around, creating our own traditions each year. And the truth is, I am more present for the moments I actually choose.

Saying no to the noise has made space for peace.

Gentle Scripts for Boundaries

Here are a few phrases I lean on when guilt starts to creep in:

I do not have the capacity for that right now.
That does not work for me, but thank you for thinking of me.
I need to think about it before I commit.
I would love to support in another way when I have more energy.
A favorite of mine when I do answer the phone and someone is venting is to ask what is needed… be it needing to be heard and get it out, solutions of how to address the thing, or direct non-sugar coated advice.

Final Thoughts…

Boundaries without guilt are built on trust. Trust that your worth is not tied to endless giving, and trust that healthy people will honor your no.

Each time you choose a boundary, you are saying yes to yourself.

For for Thought: Where do you most often feel guilty for saying no, and what truth can you remind yourself of in those moments?

Feel Free to share your worst offending lack of Nos!

Have a peaceful week friends!

Maya Blake